Book Review; Why We Argue and How To Stop by Jerry Manney
Aside from The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown which I absolutely devoured, Why We Argue has got to be the fastest I’ve ever gotten through a self-help book.
And it’s also probably my longest review to date.
Here’s everything I’ve learnt and gained from Why We Argue and How To Stop by Jerry Manney
For the sake of transparency, I want to start off by saying an e-version of this book was gifted to me by TCK Publishing.
But the words are all completely my own.
When I first got sent the synopsis, I knew Why We Argue would be just right for me.
Like many of us, I struggle with arguments.
I take things too personally, get hot-headed easily and end up blowing up at the other person. Which is usually either my mum or John.
What can I say, it’s something that I am working on.
I can’t be zen all the time. I am only human.
So anyway, I thought this book would help open my eyes to why I argue in the first place and build my self-awareness to how I can handle myself during an argument.
And let me tell you, as soon as I read the first page I was hooked.
I won’t go as far as saying I was Brené Brown hooked, but I managed to read Why We Argue within a week. That’s the quickest I’ve ever read a self-help or personal development book before.
But I don’t want you to think I skim read it either.
I made so many underlinings. Underlinings of thoughtful words which are now neatly written into my Notion workspace.
I also went back and re-read the parts that spoke to me the most. Tried to make sense of them and began to imagine how I can implement the advice in future.
So without banging on for much longer, here are my notes and thoughts on Why We Argue and How To Stop by Jerry Manney.
Table of Contents
The lowdown on Why We Argue and How To Stop by Jerry Manney
Simply put, this book is essentially about navigating disagreements, managing our emotions and creating healthier relationships.
It’s a step by step guide to help you cultivate more self-awareness during arguments.
However, it goes far deeper than that.
“Think of this book as a toolkit” to help expand your emotional intelligence.
Not only does this book teach you how to better react to other people’s hurtful comments, but it also shows you how to be more mindful of your own words and behaviour.
Now you might be thinking that you already know the answer to why we argue. We argue over money, paying bills, bringing up children, choosing where or what to eat or other general disagreements.
But it’s not as straightforward as that.
Jerry Manney explains that these things are what people argue about, not why we argue.
A few examples of why we argue might look like:
- You want to change the thinking of someone else
- Arguing is a form of competition as you don’t want the other person to win
- You feel criticised or otherwise provoked so you want fight back
- Sometimes you simply enjoy arguing
- You blame someone else when something doesn’t go your way
So by using these reasons of why we argue (there are about 19 of them in the book) as a basis, we are better able to grasp what to look out for, and how to better manage these emotions and triggers.
Spread over 11 chapters, Why We Argue and How To Stop covers 5 main “how to” areas.
This includes how to:
- Communicate better through positive communication
- Get your concerns heard
- Practice more effective listening skills to understand the other person’s point of view
- Seek common ground and set healthy boundaries
- Keep things in perspective
This book offers examples from every possible aspect of your life. From arguments with family members or loved ones and disagreements between divorced or separated couples to workplace conflicts and dealing with the toxic nature of social media.
Why We Argue also includes a section dedicated to children and teens and how parents can better manage their children’s behaviour.
Instead of using a tonne of case studies, Jerry Manney uses himself as an example which I find super refreshing.
We get to hear directly from the author. Similar to Brené Brown, Jerry Manney shares his backstory and writes in a compassionate tone to show that he cares and that he is with you along this journey.
And throughout the whole book, Jerry always emphasises doing what works for you and building from there.
You can tell by reading Why We Argue, that Jerry Manney is a self-love advocate.
He promotes positive self-talk as we deserve to be kind and respectful to ourselves.
There’s also a big emphasis on self-care and taking care of your own needs. (As if I wasn’t already a fan!)
And you might be thinking but how does self-care relate to arguing?
Well, this is how he puts it, “When you take care of yourself, you may notice that you get along better with others. Being more consistent in your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self-care can help you build a reserve to sustain you in more trying times.”
“It’s not being selfish to take care of your own needs; it’s being self-caring.”
Jerry Manney | Why we argue and how to stop
Is Why We Argue and How To Stop easy to read?
In short, 100% yes.
It’s straightforward to read and easily digestible.
Although the author, Jerry Manney, is a therapist, he uses casual, everyday language so you don’t get stumped by the scientific jargon.
Honestly, no wonder it took me so long to read It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn. Because I had to Google the majority of the scientific terms used to find out what they meant.
So I appreciate Jerry Manney writing Why We Argue for the average reader.
It makes implementing his tips and advice a lot easier and more practical for us.
Jerry Manney also provides many guided exercises throughout the book in the form of questions to ask yourself and journaling prompts to help encourage you to think for yourself and reflect on your own experiences.
This helps you to become an active reader rather than a passive reader where you zone out. Again, another reason why I managed to get through Why We Argue so quickly and not switch off mid-way through.
I would however recommend reading this book multiple times so you can truly digest it all and be able to put it into action.
There’s a lot of information to take in and even Jerry understands that himself.
Halfway through the book, he offers support to help you feel less overwhelmed by suggesting, “to take this one step at a time.”
So I know I will definitely be revisiting this book in future.
“Help,” said Pooh.
The 3 biggest key points and takeaways from Why We Argue and How To Stop
1 | Focus on what you can change
If you’re a regular reader of my blog or part of my lovely community, you’ll know that I’m currently trying to adopt a more stoic approach to life. And I loved the fact that Jerry Manney includes a stoic approach in Why We Argue.
Although Jerry doesn’t directly state that his thoughts are stoic, there is a direct parallel between him and the Ancient Stoics. Jerry tells us to only “focus on what you can change.” This is similar to the stoic belief that you are only in control of your mind.
For someone who is trying to not allow the things I can’t control to get me down, this was very refreshing to read. And extremely practical advice for anyone looking to adopt more mindfulness in their life.
If we stop worrying about trying to change the other person, we can focus more on ourselves and how we can change and adapt.
This will allow us to handle situations better and “feel less emotional pain.”
And in turn, this helps us to feel less stressed and more relaxed.
Which is basically goals right? To feel zen all the time.
“You can only control 50 percent of any discussion: what you say, and the manner in which you respond. You do not have to like what the other person has said or how they said it, but when you focus on what you want to say and how you can communicate it so that it will be heard by others, you gain control of yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions. You’ll also gain self-respect. By shifting your focus, you can alter your results.”
Jerry Manney | Why we argue and how to stop
2 | Dealing with petty arguments
I don’t want to paint myself in a bad light but I’m probably the queen of petty arguments.
Me and my partner spend the majority of our time together. We live, work and travel together.
We hang out, explore, laugh and have fun together.
He’s also the very first person I go to when I have a problem.
He understands me more than anyone.
But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get on my nerves. Because let me tell you, there are times when he annoys me and does annoying things like coming to bed late and waking me up (literally my pet peeve).
In the past, I’d react badly. Which would then dictate how I spent the rest of my day. By being moody, angry and unproductive because I’m too focused on trying to change John from coming to bed late.
However, since reading this book I’ve now realised there is a more mindful and grown-up way to handle these petty arguments.
So the next time I feel annoyed or tempted to complain I’ll ask myself, “how important is it?”
Something I’ve never even considered asking myself before. Because in the grand scheme of things, I really don’t think John coming to bed late is really that important. There are more important things I can choose to focus on which would benefit me in the long run.
Like focusing more on building good habits myself, and letting go of trying to control my boyfriend.
Because it’s never going to happen.
It’s also important to note that you also don’t have to invite yourself to someone else’s argument.
If someone says something hurtful or is looking for an argument, you can simply walk away.
You don’t ever need to react.
The overall message here is to be proactive, not reactive. To work together instead of fighting against each other so you can live together in harmony and build a healthier relationship.
3 | Hate and toxicity on social media
As someone who has a love-hate relationship with social media, reading through Jerry’s guidance on how to deal with triggering comments on social media was super insightful.
Although I haven’t yet had my first hate comment, I found that this advice could also be applied to the general toxicity on social media. To make you feel less stressed or angry if you see or read something quite triggering.
So I’ve added some of my own tips below as well to help you deal with the issue head-on:
- Give yourself a time-out to help calm your emotions
- Unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself
- Manage what posts you prefer to see
- Go on an account that inspires you and post a positive comment on one of their posts
- In response to a hate comment, post a positive and respectful reply or message the person directly rather than getting everyone else involved
- Follow accounts that aren’t in your “niche” to give you a breath of fresh air from your feed (my two favourite accounts right now are @toastsforall because I’m obsessed with toast and @eyeofshe for travel inspiration
- And if all else fails, look at funny memes or cute puppy reels
Final thoughts
Although I really enjoyed reading this book, I can’t completely say that I’m going to stop arguing.
I feel as though arguments are sometimes good and completely necessary to build a healthy relationship.
You grow and learn from having an argument.
But this book has definitely given me a deeper insight into how I can be more self-aware of my attitude during petty arguments and how I can better compose and carry myself.
I also feel this book makes it ok to get it wrong sometimes. Because “there are no magic words.”
Let’s normalise that we don’t always have the answer or the right words to say.
As Jerry says multiple times, “we are human” and can’t be perfect all the time.
Likewise, try to be compassionate towards others. Acknowledge that they too may get it wrong. And that’s ok. Stop pointing the finger at each other and accept each other’s flaws, perspective and point of view.
Jerry Manney states that one of the reasons why we argue is because we want “to change the thinking or behaviour of someone else.”
But we can only ever control 50% of the conversation.
And that 50% comes from you.
Your own thinking, your own behaviour, your own opinions.
So focus only on what you can change.
And let go of what you can’t.
Because, “By letting go, you’ll empower yourself to move forward.”
Until next week,
♡ Thalia xx
Let me leave you with this one last quote…
“Challenge yourself to keep learning so you can catch yourself sooner and prevent more heated arguments. When you’re going through something really difficult and painful, remember that it’s just another freakin’ growth experience, that you still have more to learn, and that you will learn if you focus on what you can change.”
Jerry Manney | Why we argue and how to stop
Disclaimer: Why We Argue and How To Stop was gifted to me by TCK Publishing but the words are all completely my own. Please also note, this post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through these links then I will be rewarded at no extra cost to you. Any money earned through affiliates will be put towards running my blog and newsletter.
